Thursday, October 24, 2013

Bleeding Hearts..




With my last breath, I'll love you till the end;
physical realm our love will transcend
riding waves, ebb & flow enchanted ocean
moving together with harmonic motion
connection too mystical to comprehend

        on crisp white sheets  our love we penned
        bleeding hearts, our words a unique blend
        expressing affection, easing commotion
        with my last breath

sensual words loving notes we did send
spirits flexible, sailing around the bend
entwined bodies rocking in slow motion
declaring our love , endless devotion
celestial heavens, stars & moon I ascend
with my last breath
 



for dVerse Writing to the form Rondeau
hosted by Tony

34 comments:

  1. Well, I hope that is true. There is a fervor here that sweeps up the reader too! Thanks, Trudessa. (Manicddaily on wordpress.)

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    1. Thanks for the comment, certain love is everlasting..

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  2. With the last breath is indicative of seriousness of purpose. It's wanting to effect change in a way! Great rhyming Truedessa!

    Hank

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    1. Hi Hank,

      Thanks for visiting and the comment. I always like to read your words.

      Delete
  3. You captured a sensuality and love together with melancholy in a very good way.. This form works so well for you

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    1. Bjorn,

      Thank you for your kind words, this form is usually hard for me
      to master. I think you do a lovely job with it at your place.

      Delete
  4. An emotionally strong poem.

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  5. This is astounding !! drenches heart with so pure emotion filled with eternal love:)

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    1. I appreciate your visit and lovely words.

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  6. This is a beautiful, sensual, romantic poem as it stands - so kudos for that, but ...

    I honestly think it could be better. With a little attention to the meter, you could make this good poem great. What do I mean? Your first line is fabulous; perfect iambic pentameter; 10 syllables in the line with all the stresses as expected. The second line has 12 syllables; if the first line were to end with a semi-colon you could remove the redundant word 'above' (transcend means to be above, to eclipse, to be greater than) and your second line would then be pentameter too. There are a number of other minor alterations, mostly about meter, that I could suggest.

    Please take this as critique, which is neutral at worst and intended to be helpful - that's what I intend - at best, not criticism, which has collected too many negative overtones to be constructive.

    This is already a lovely poem; you've chosen an excellent rentrement/refrain and you've nailed the rhyme scheme of the rondeau, which are by far the two hardest parts of writing to this form.

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    1. Good Morning,

      First, I thank you for the prompt this form is a bit hard for me as I get caught up in the rhyme scheme of the rondeau and forget about meter. I can def see what you are saying. I altered the first, line to see the impact and I have to agree with you. It makes a stronger statement.

      I thank you for taking the time to leave me some constructive feedback as this will help me in my writing. Who doesn't want
      to pen a great poem? Smiling have a great day!

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  7. smiles...i like the intimacy...the devotion beyond even this life...that is a rare love...and the passion behind it as well...you def lay the emotions out there with your pen...smiles.

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    1. Good Morning Brian,

      One of my favorite visitors..I always enjoy reading your comments..thanks for your support and have a great day
      in your travels.

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  8. I do like the romantic and sensual undertones ~ The refrain works well for me ~ Have a lovely day Truedessa ~

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    1. Grace,

      Thanks for visiting I hope you have a lovely day as well at least it is Friday.

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  9. Beautiful, flows with the gentle rocking motion of the waves. Nicely done!

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  10. Yes, this is so rhythmic, and such delicate descriptions.

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  11. Look at you rhyme away
    The cat likes that at your bay
    And wow hips will sway
    As two hearts surely play
    Such a love that transcends all
    Hopefully that ship hears your call
    I think it might have though
    But what does the cat know

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    Replies
    1. Rhyming away what can I say
      much like the cat does everyday
      still trying to get to bora bay..(smiling)

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  12. SO beautiful, especially the two closing lines....sigh.

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    1. Sherry,

      I always welcome a visit from you..thanks for leaving a lovely
      comment.

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  13. Such beautiful flowers...

    ~shoes~

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    1. Shoes,

      How are you my dear friend? So nice of you to visit and yes, they are beautiful flowers. We should talk soon...

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  14. A beautiful poem...sigh!

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    1. ayala, thank you for visiting..

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  15. Great melancholy here...I hear your voice full of sincere feelings....Much Love, Truedessa <3

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    Replies
    1. Thanks you humbird, your words are comforting..

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