Thursday, October 24, 2013

Bleeding Hearts..




With my last breath, I'll love you till the end;
physical realm our love will transcend
riding waves, ebb & flow enchanted ocean
moving together with harmonic motion
connection too mystical to comprehend

        on crisp white sheets  our love we penned
        bleeding hearts, our words a unique blend
        expressing affection, easing commotion
        with my last breath

sensual words loving notes we did send
spirits flexible, sailing around the bend
entwined bodies rocking in slow motion
declaring our love , endless devotion
celestial heavens, stars & moon I ascend
with my last breath
 



for dVerse Writing to the form Rondeau
hosted by Tony
Posted by at

33 comments:

  1. OutlawyerOctober 24, 2013

    Well, I hope that is true. There is a fervor here that sweeps up the reader too! Thanks, Trudessa. (Manicddaily on wordpress.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TruedessaOctober 25, 2013

      Thanks for the comment, certain love is everlasting..

      Delete
  2. kaykualaOctober 24, 2013

    With the last breath is indicative of seriousness of purpose. It's wanting to effect change in a way! Great rhyming Truedessa!

    Hank

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TruedessaOctober 25, 2013

      Hi Hank,

      Thanks for visiting and the comment. I always like to read your words.

      Delete
  3. brudbergOctober 25, 2013

    You captured a sensuality and love together with melancholy in a very good way.. This form works so well for you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TruedessaOctober 25, 2013

      Bjorn,

      Thank you for your kind words, this form is usually hard for me
      to master. I think you do a lovely job with it at your place.

      Delete
  4. UnknownOctober 25, 2013

    An emotionally strong poem.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Vandana SharmaOctober 25, 2013

    This is astounding !! drenches heart with so pure emotion filled with eternal love:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TruedessaOctober 25, 2013

      I appreciate your visit and lovely words.

      Delete
  6. AnonymousOctober 25, 2013

    This is a beautiful, sensual, romantic poem as it stands - so kudos for that, but ...

    I honestly think it could be better. With a little attention to the meter, you could make this good poem great. What do I mean? Your first line is fabulous; perfect iambic pentameter; 10 syllables in the line with all the stresses as expected. The second line has 12 syllables; if the first line were to end with a semi-colon you could remove the redundant word 'above' (transcend means to be above, to eclipse, to be greater than) and your second line would then be pentameter too. There are a number of other minor alterations, mostly about meter, that I could suggest.

    Please take this as critique, which is neutral at worst and intended to be helpful - that's what I intend - at best, not criticism, which has collected too many negative overtones to be constructive.

    This is already a lovely poem; you've chosen an excellent rentrement/refrain and you've nailed the rhyme scheme of the rondeau, which are by far the two hardest parts of writing to this form.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TruedessaOctober 25, 2013

      Good Morning,

      First, I thank you for the prompt this form is a bit hard for me as I get caught up in the rhyme scheme of the rondeau and forget about meter. I can def see what you are saying. I altered the first, line to see the impact and I have to agree with you. It makes a stronger statement.

      I thank you for taking the time to leave me some constructive feedback as this will help me in my writing. Who doesn't want
      to pen a great poem? Smiling have a great day!

      Delete
  7. Brian MillerOctober 25, 2013

    smiles...i like the intimacy...the devotion beyond even this life...that is a rare love...and the passion behind it as well...you def lay the emotions out there with your pen...smiles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TruedessaOctober 25, 2013

      Good Morning Brian,

      One of my favorite visitors..I always enjoy reading your comments..thanks for your support and have a great day
      in your travels.

      Delete
  8. ScarletOctober 25, 2013

    I do like the romantic and sensual undertones ~ The refrain works well for me ~ Have a lovely day Truedessa ~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TruedessaOctober 25, 2013

      Grace,

      Thanks for visiting I hope you have a lovely day as well at least it is Friday.

      Delete
  9. JeffOctober 25, 2013

    Beautiful, flows with the gentle rocking motion of the waves. Nicely done!

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnonymousOctober 25, 2013

    Yes, this is so rhythmic, and such delicate descriptions.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Pat HattOctober 25, 2013

    Look at you rhyme away
    The cat likes that at your bay
    And wow hips will sway
    As two hearts surely play
    Such a love that transcends all
    Hopefully that ship hears your call
    I think it might have though
    But what does the cat know

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TruedessaOctober 25, 2013

      Rhyming away what can I say
      much like the cat does everyday
      still trying to get to bora bay..(smiling)

      Delete
  12. Sherry Blue SkyOctober 25, 2013

    SO beautiful, especially the two closing lines....sigh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TruedessaOctober 25, 2013

      Sherry,

      I always welcome a visit from you..thanks for leaving a lovely
      comment.

      Delete
  13. Red ShoesOctober 25, 2013

    Such beautiful flowers...

    ~shoes~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TruedessaOctober 25, 2013

      Shoes,

      How are you my dear friend? So nice of you to visit and yes, they are beautiful flowers. We should talk soon...

      Delete
  14. ayalaOctober 25, 2013

    A beautiful poem...sigh!

    ReplyDelete
  15. humbirdOctober 25, 2013

    Great melancholy here...I hear your voice full of sincere feelings....Much Love, Truedessa <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TruedessaOctober 26, 2013

      Thanks you humbird, your words are comforting..

      Delete
  16. seasideauthorOctober 26, 2013

    Beautiful story.

    ReplyDelete
  17. TCPCOctober 28, 2013

    Very very beautiful!

    ReplyDelete

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